Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
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Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
What the hell happened in there??
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan