Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
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To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
just gave your address to some spiders
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Bond. Trauma bond.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Breaking news:
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.