There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
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[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
fixed it
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.