There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
You Might Also Like
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.