Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
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[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
If you love someone, let them sleep.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.