At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
You Might Also Like
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.