If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
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right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet