The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Never go to sleep after making me angry
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?