The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
You Might Also Like
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
All excellent questions
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶