Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
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Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Me in tagged photos
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right