God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
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definitely did not do anything wrong
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken