My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
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Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.