Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
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{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I think this should do it.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Ok, but like, how married are you?