A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
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[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.