Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
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My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
This meeting could have been a cake
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car