My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
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Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
you stereotypes are all alike
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved