@writerPT

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

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@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

@sofarrsogud

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

@BCMontgo

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

@3sunzzz

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

@ScottLinnen

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

@stuckinaportal

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

@awkwardphilippe

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

@MrGeorgeWallace

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.