[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
You Might Also Like
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Mornin. * use accordingly
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.