Mornin. * use accordingly
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Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.