Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
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[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…