wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
You Might Also Like
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair