wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
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My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
A dad and his duck
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face