“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
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People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
#parenting
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.