We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
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*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Y’all know who you are.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
What
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
He’s dead
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Yup!
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
These aliens are taking forever.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.