Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
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Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here