Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
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“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*