Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
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On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back