T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
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A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
hi why am I like this
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.