*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
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[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
“Huge”.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.