to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
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Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
estão todos miauvindo?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet