“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
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[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
i baked you a cake
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!