You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
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Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
good work, everybody
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]