My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
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Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row