Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
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Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.