Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
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doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out