I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
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Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild