Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
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The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
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A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.