My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
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if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
this is me
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator