if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
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I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.