I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
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i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
this is me
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out