Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
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Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Thank you corporation very cool
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Duck typos.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps