2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
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What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11