What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
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Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I can’t stop laughing at this
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
But that’s none of my business
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.