Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
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[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.