My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
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[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I’m sorry…what?
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Not today. 😅
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom