Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*
*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.