Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Generation gap…
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green