Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao