Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.