Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
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No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
✌️
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread