Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
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What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.