[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
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Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.