Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
You Might Also Like
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Seems legit
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE