I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
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Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.