My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.