Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
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whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.