Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
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why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
But wait…
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
when there are deer in the woods
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.